Happy Halloween!

Marcel Khalife

Last weekend my friend Hakim took Seth (another friend) and I to a Marcel Khalife concert. Most of Kellie’s readers won’t know who this is, but I’m sure that all of her Arab readers do!

He plays the oud and is incredibly popular in the Middle East. It was great fun to be there with Hakim. I think we fulfilled one of his dreams by seeing him in concert. The music was fabulous and I loved his creativity in bringing together jazz and eastern music. Check out a clip from one of his most famous songs, “My Mother”.

Here is a picture with him after the concert.

Happy Fall!

Okay for some reason the above picture is only visible if you click on it- so you’ll have to do that. It’s the pic I really wanted to post! That is like the only craft I’ve done w/ Lucy, obviuolsy I need some help in that department!

The Rest of the Letter

The second thing as I mentioned above was surrendering, surrendering to God’s will when I didn’t like it. You might say you had no choice, you had to surrender, Owen was dead. What could you do? Yes, I had to accept that Owen was dead, everyday was all to well a reminder of the reality that I was no longer pregnant, that my precious son had been born and died. But that doesn’t mean I had surrendered to God. I was angry. Why me? Why my son? I was numb to the world and I didn’t care what happened to me or anyone else.

I didn’t want to accept God’s will but for some reason I still wanted to follow God. I knew all the other alternatives would leave me empty. But I felt like I couldn’t find Him. It’s strange at this time in my life I did not really feel comforted by Scripture but I did find it put my feelings into words. In other words I would read something and think that is how I feel. A verse in Job that resonated with me was 23:3, 8-10 “If only I knew where to find Him; if only I could go to His dwelling.. but if I go to the east, He is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find Him. When He is at work in the north, I do not see Him; when He turns to the south I catch no glimpse of Him.” So I felt abandoned by God and I also felt scared. How much pain will God bring into my life? I realized you have pain whether you follow God or not. I realized there was no way I would want to be walking though it with out Him. Yet I felt paralyzed and still sometimes do. I know that following Jesus outside the camp (Hebrews 13) means suffering.

I remember when I felt a wave of surrender and was willing to say I will go outside the city to Jesus. I was reading something by Charles Spurgeon and he said

While Jesus tells you- I feel at my heart all thy sighs and thy groans, for thou are most near me, my flesh and my bones in all thy distress, thy Head feels the pain, they are all most needful, not one is in vain. Oh poor disconsolate mourner, Christ remembers you every hour. Your sighs are His sighs, your groans are His groans, your prayers are His prayers. He in His measure feels afresh, what every member bears.

When I read that I felt God’s presence for the first time in many months. I felt his love wash over me and that He did care about all my pain. That he could handle my pain; that He wasn’t saying like so much of the rest of the world- get over it. But that He was saying Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest. I keep all your tears in a bottle. Finally I could surrender. Before this I had just seen God as sovereign, all powerful but not merciful, why didn’t you stop it, why did you do it? But I could surrender to a sovereign and loving God. So again I resonated with Job 42:5-6 “ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” I too wish I had responded with more faith, with a more clear picture of who God is but now I saw more of God or the picture I had of God was more accurate (albeit still very far from accurate).

The third thing I learned was how much God’s people are used as a means of grace to keep us. When I think back to all of our friends and in Syria and what they did for us, I can’t begin to express the emotion. They gave so much, prayers, money, food, logistical help, and time- so much time spent praying with us and for us. Then all the numerous emails and phone calls that buoyed us up when we were in the hospital in Turkey in so much shock. And all the basic help provided by friends, church members, family members and people who didn’t even know us. Then of course coming back so many of you who wouldn’t let us go. Thank you for loving God and us enough to keep calling when you got no response or even harsh words. And thank you to those of you who give us freedom to talk about Owen. Just the fact that you realize he is a person who lived and lives eternally. So thank you to all of you, you helped us to survive with our faith in tact.

So as I miss my son terribly and wonder so many things about him (what sort of party would have he wanted, what kind of cake, what size clothes would he have been in, how would he interact with Lucy and countless other things) I’m glad I’ll see him one day. And I’m grateful to God for holding me in the palm of his hand.

Kellie

Thinking

This past week I have been thinking about Owen alot. For those of you who don’t know he is our son that was born prematurely and died after 20 minutes. He would have been four this October. I think I have been thinking of him firstly because my Grandma has been sick in the hospital and I have just been thinking how life is a vapor and things change so fast. Also I just had a friend lose her father. Then yesterday heard the news that a good friend lost her baby in her second trimester. I was up late last night praying, listening to sad music and re reading emails that had been sent to us when Owen died.

I want to share something that I wrote last year. I will share it in segments. Here is the first part.

On Owen’s 3rd birthday 3 things I have learned because of him.

First of all the fact that I can say that I have learned something is huge in my growth. After Owen died I didn’t want to say this has made me more … whatever, fill in the blank. Because 1) that was an acceptance of his death; a surrendering that I wasn’t ready to surrender. 2) I didn’t want Owen to just be a means in my sanctification or anyone else’s. I wanted him to be loved, appreciated and accepted as a person, an end in himself, not just a means to something else.

I guess I needed to know people valued him as a person more than as a tool. It was very good for me when Dustin said “Kellie, Owen is an end in and of himself. He is eternally praising God and has endless joy in heaven. God has pleasure in Owen.” Something to that effect was said and it helped me to realize Owen can be both, just as we all are, a means of grace in other’s lives and an end in and of ourselves. I think this whole issue was so hard for me because many were saying things like maybe this is how people will come to Christ or how this would shape Dustin and I. I just wanted to hear and know that my son was treasured.

Part 2 coming tomorrow.

Thanks Aunt Tawn-A!

Tonya & Lucy

Aunt Tonya, or as Lucy says Tawn-A, came up to watch Lucy Monday and Tuesday while I did jury duty. Since I didn’t have to go Tuesday we were able to hang out. Lucy had a great time and it was a huge help to me!

Jury Duty

Today I was at jury duty all day! Besides a lot of time just sitting around waiting the jury selection process was pretty interesting. I was in for a lot of the questioning for the jury and then in the final selection was booted! I wish I knew their reasons for it. Maybe they overheard me say that God was holy and everyone deserved judgement- just kidding!! I did think it was an interesting process and I would have been pretty intimidated if I was the defendent when all those people walked in to the room. I felt sorry for jurors who had to share quite a bit of personal information about their pasts. As interesting as it was I hope I don’t have to go tomorrow- I’ll find out when I call in.

Pulling Out All the Stops

Lucy’s attempt to get out of bed last night or at least to get a parent in the room was pretty funny. These were her exact words: “I gotta go poop and pee. I need a drink. Blow my nose and I’m scared too, okay mama?” Yes, they were all right in a row like that!

Knitting

This cold weather is really making me want to knit! I have several odd balls of yarn. I know I could whip up a scarf or even a baby blanket. I have never really liked any of the baby blankets I have done. Not quite the right size, but super soft. I have also always wanted to try little baby booties. I saw some really cool ones that were knitted from cotton- they were almost more like a shoe, very ornate.

If anyone knows of any good websites or a must have knitting book let me know. Really I’m to the point where I feel like I need another class to move on. Last year I tried a sweater for Lucy by myself. Let’s put it this way it was never worn. I also did one for my nephew Ryan and diddo, never worn! His looked like it had wings- but to my credit that was part of the pattern! Scary!

Wisconsin Dells

We spent Monday through Friday with friends at the Dells. It was a really fun time besides Lucy getting a flu bug and it hitting me at the end of the week! Lucy had a lot of fun with her friends, especially with Talaira (how she says Claira!). She tends to like older kids- I think mainly b/c they have learned to share so she doesn’t have too!